willc.me

Possibly the most annoying people in the entire world, the ever happy, the ever enthusiastic charity muggers. They patrol the streets in droves waiting to jump into your path like rampant suicide bombers waiting to explode in a ball of fast language and abundant enthusiasm. And what happens when you say no, they back track down the street. Nothing will save you, not your phone, not your head phones, nothing. Not even no. And no means no.

Why do the charities expose us to such harrowing and annoying tactics to get our money? And why are they so god damn happy? Well both questions are easy to answer. In 2006 a quarter of Shelter’s money came from chugging. Three quarters of Greenpeace’s “members” or “if I sign this piece of paper it means you’ll leave me alone?” people between 2000 and 2003 were all conned into signing up by chuggers. Chuggers are happy because they get £10 per hour and commission on people they sign up. Not very charitable if you ask me.

Although there are regulations that are meant to assist us in countering the never ending wave, they are largely ignore. For example, chuggers aren’t allowed to persist in their harassment after you say no to them. The aren’t allowed to follow you either. But this is how chuggers work. They harass and guilt trip you into signing or giving money. The worst thing you could do is to fall into conversation with them. If you do happen to stop for whatever reason you know how hard it is to escape. They have become masters at keeping you there. They have an answer for anything and they have that dangerous glint of desperation in their eye.

Things took a dangerous and scary new path yesterday afternoon for me though. It was mid afternoon, I was writing in the garden and I heard the doorbell ring. I thought it’d be a parcel so I went up to the door and opened it. And there, standing on the doorstep was a chugger. On my very own doorstep! “Hello, we’re here on your street raising money for an emergency action appeal on behalf of Oxfam.” It was like a chugger had spawned with a Jehovah’s witness to produce this evolved mutant now standing on my doorstep with his clipboard. Unfortunately I didn’t have the foresight to slam the door in his face and hide under my bed because the next ten minutes of my life were taken up discussing floods in Bangladesh and why women in the Congo wanted tights so they wouldn’t be raped by soldiers when walking a billion miles to get water. Me feeling more guilty by the minute.

However, as much as I hate to say it, this tactic works. When I had just turned 18 a friend and I decided it would be funny to buy a case of beer and get really drunk whilst going round the Natural History Museum. And guess what? It wasn’t, so we went outside and sat on a bench drinking the remaining cans and marching faster over the edge into drunken oblivion. Some chuggers from World Vision came and set up by us and we managed to fend them off for a while until a particularly pretty one came over and started discussing crisis and how by signing up you virtually adopt a child who you help till it finishes school. And all for just £15 a month. By this time the alcohol has taken over and the chance to look chivalrous in front of a pretty girl whilst also doing something good sounded like a great idea. Much like the Natural History Museum. So now 4 years and £780 on I have an adopted girl in Bangladesh called Summa. Who failed Kindergarten. Kindergarten! So that’s another £180. There have been times where I haven’t eaten and she has. It’s just like having a real child but without any of the positives.

So the next time you see a chugger just say no and run for your life! Or face the consequences which are long lasting and scary. Who knows, you too might end up with a kid!

In today’s society everything must be perfect. I’m talking social welfare here. Either you’re doing well or you have an ASBO. But the nanny state can’t bear to see people who misbehave. There must be some deep psychological reason behind the fact that these children are unruly little shits. This has given way to a number of increasingly annoying and ludicrous disorders that the caring middle classes can use to describe their unruly and badly bought up kids.

The first of this wave of ‘disorders’ was ADHD. Or Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder. ADHD is described as a “persistent pattern of inattention or hyperactivity—impulsivity that is more frequently displayed and more severe than is typically observed in individuals at a comparable level of development.” This disorder, more commonly seen in children than in adults leads to the child being hyper and not able to concentrate. Hang on, a child not being able to concentrate in a classroom? Heaven forbid! When I was at school they wanted to send me for testing but I refused. What good will it do me? They’d give me drugs to mong me out and turn me into a zombie? I can do that well enough on my own thanks!

But this new wave of conditions is leading to more and more damaging “problematic” illnesses. I say problematic because it give the children and parents a get out clause. It’s not my fault my child acts like an animal he has (insert appropriate illness). The latest one that I’ve read about, and will undoubtedly be a disorder that skyrockets, is ODD. Oppositional defiant disorder. This is characterised by “an ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior towards authority figures which goes beyond the bounds of normal childhood behavior”. Basically put, the child will do the opposite of what someone in authority tells them to do.

This was highlighted recently in the case of 12 year old Sonny Grainger who’s mum, Nadine West (notice the different sirname), thinks he shouldn’t be given an ASBO because he has ODD. Needless to say he broke the ASBO within 2 hours and now has to wear a tag. The local policeman said “I honestly believe it was only a matter of time before he killed someone”. So what we have here is a woman who has failed to raise her child correctly and is complaining when the police try to curb his behaviour to protect us. Ordinary citizens who don’t have the urge to rebel and kill people. What’s worse is she is able to blame it on a “disorder”.

The problem with these “disorders” is that it turns an issue of behaviour that can be changed into a medical problem that can’t. This is typical of the acquittal of responsibility by parents, although in this day and age if your kid doesn’t turn out right you can always find something to blame it on. Can you imagine even 50 years ago what would happen if a kid was disobedient to an authority figure? It’d be the cane. Now I’m not condoning caning or any physical violence towards children but people need to be taught how to raise their kids properly. And not be given get out clauses like ODD.

Watching Dead Weather play at Glastonbury really summed up what the music festival scene has become. A group of spoilt kids with their parents money who aren’t there for the music. They were there to say that they’ve seen the bands that their friends read about in NME. A group of screaming teens singing along in their trendy outfits. When Dead Weather took to the stage it was scared and bemused teenagers wondering who these strange people who they hadn’t heard of were. The same group who when they next see Dead Weather will be a sweaty screaming mess cause they’ve waited 11 hours at the front of 10,000 people to see them and sing all the words.

The latest Glastonbury has seen more commercialisation than ever since being taken over by Mean Fiddler which paved the way for corporatism and skyrocketing prices. 10 Years ago the only people who went to Glastonbury were die hard fans, industry and Aussie backpackers. Now the die hards and backbpackers have been out-priced and replaced by the yuppy teen brigade whose parents have bought them tickets for being good or finishing their exams. A naughty, rebelious festival to go to before the go to uni.

Increasingly it’s also been targetted by the trendy charity set. Greenpeace have banners everywhere and the kids think it’s cool to support the cause. March on Washington to stop the war and end racial segregation. Oh wait, that was the sixties. It’s great advertising for Greenpeace, targeting a whole load of fucked kids. The same kids who when they leave, have destroyed the fields and left tents and rubbish all over the place that has to be dealt with by horribly corporate contract cleaners who go dump it in land fills. But it’s cool to be green right?

But it’s more than it just being cool to be green. It’s now mainstream “cool” to watch bands and wear skinny jeans. Those same people that were wearing Nike Air Max’s and speaking like they had been raised on Britain’s roughest estates instead of their countryside idyllic estate are the ones pushing to the front to get the best view of Bloc Party and Franz Ferdinand. Neil Young? Who’s Neil Young? Surely some of those “die-hard” music fans must go to see the legendary Canadian icon. The Boss (Bruce Springsteen) who played the best set of any Glasto, ever? Oh wait, they’ve only been into guitar music since it was cool to like Bloc Party and Franz.

But increasingly it’s the same with festivals all over. Benicassim has become an English holiday resort and don’t get me started about Exit. Exit in Serbia has become the staging post for the biggest meeting of public school kids outside of the UK. A place where uni and gap year students can go and be wild before beginning their life in the city.

It’ll be interesting to see what happens when watching bands and skinny jeans aren’t mainstream cool. Glastonbury will have a few years where they massively overestimate the amount of people, maen fiddler will lose interest and it’ll shrink to it’s original size or they’ll get acts that are from the new scene. It won’t be the small indie festival it used to be, it’ll be even more of a hybrid, green, comercial machine. But when the mainstream crowds go come find me in Shangri-la!

*****To the people with insecurities who are having hissy fits – I’m not slagging off all people at festivals only the people who go to get wasted and put up the price for those people who actually like music….. And I’m not jealous, i turned down a free ticket.******

Since the other night I couldn’t help but think what would happen if the environ-mentalist actually came into power. Can you imagine if tomorrow the UN said, “yes, we realise the planet is in dire straights and we would like a federation of charities, led by Greenpeace and PETA to run the world”? Both believe in direct action (often illegal) to help animals and the environment. What would happen?

Well let’s start with Greenpeace. What do they believe in? They believe in the rights of animals, the protection of the planet and us stopping using nuclear and fossil fuels. If they were to come to power how do you suppose they would deal with powering our society? At the end of 2006 15% of global power was supplied by nuclear power but this has risen. Fossil fuels account for much of rest. It’s all well and good protesting about something but it’s useless to complain without putting forward a viable and workable solution. At the moment that solution is not renewable power.

Probably the darkest thing about Greenpeace is their lack of regard for human safety when it comes to the environment. In 1986 a leading director of Greenpeace left when they decided that chlorine in drinking water was a bad thing as it hurt the environment. Adding trace amounts of chlorine stops microorganisms breeding and makes the water safe. If it weren’t for the chlorine in water Cholera, Hepatitis, Scabies, Ringworm, Malaria and a host of other diseases would be prevalent in our society. It’s just not common sense!

Let’s move onto PETA which stands for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. PETA use shock campaigns to convince us against animal suffering. If they came to power then people would be forced in to vegetarianism no doubt. I don’t see why people who eat meat should have to be told to be vegetarian. It’s not like it’s the other way round. “Eat meat, eat meat” does have a certain ring to it though. No one would condone cruelty to animals but some of PETA’s demands are unreasonable. For example, they dislike medical testing on animals although condone embryonic testing, which puts them at odds with abortionists. Feminists also dislike them over their campaigns objectifying women in the nude.

These organisations have moved from activists to corporations with banners at Glastonbury adn trademarked names. Their leaders get big salaries adn pay marketting compaies huge amounts of money to think up witty advertisements made of paper which pollute the planet.

It’s interesting at this point to look at the “moderate” green party. What would they do? Well, the problem with trying to govern is that you have to work with what you’ve got and make rational decisions. You can’t sit on the sidelined moaning and screaming about issues. So if the greens were to come to power, what would happen? Well, they’d raise taxes obviously. On everyone. So that they could help nature and animals immediately. Steps are being taken but drastic change is difficult to instigate when you’re wielding a whole country. It’s like an oil tanker. Not very easy or quick to steer.

So what we’re saying is that if the direct action green animal charities were to take control, we’d be living in the dark, with dirty drinking water, not eating meat and sitting naked. Well that doesn’t sound like very much fun, does it?

It’s one of those moments that you’ll remember where you were when you heard the news for the rest of your life. Princess Diana, 9/11 and now Michael Jackson. We are truly at the end of an era. Someone who has inspired and influenced generations is now gone.

Already the media are pouring out tributes for him. But this is the same media that hounded him throughout his sad life. Coming to fame at the age of 8 with the Jackson 5 after being abused mentally and physically by his father, he has never been out of the limelight. This is an individual that has been raised by Big Brother and has had to face the consequences of being removed from reality since he was a child.

The same media that mourn him now are the ones who in his 2005 trial hounded him and called him a pedophile. The psychologist Dr Stan Katz who examined Jackson for the courts said of him that he was a regressed 10 year old and didn’t fit the profile of a pedophile. The media ignored the fact that he was found not guilty and a certain stigmatism was held against him. That was until his comeback tour when again it became lucrative to support the MJ machine.

We’ll all remember the time and place we were at when Michael died. I was in Molton House at work when I heard the news. Luke, the celebrity columnist from the London Paper, who was at the club, was the first to break it. It spread quickly as I’m sure it did all round the world. Wikipedia updated it’s pages within an hour. The reaction largely, from everyone who I heard talking about it was, “I had tickets to the 02 concerts”.

But this is how Michael’s life was largely viewed. From the age of 8 years old he was a money making machine. He was in the public spotlight and expected to perform. This no doubt had an effect on his life and it is probably a contributing factor towards the fact that he suffered a heart attack at the age of 50. He was vilified and commercialised from an early age. From when he went from black to white to when as an adult and he took a young boy with cancer under his wing, who later accused him of pedophilia, most likely for financial gain.

Already, minor celebrities with whom Jackson was “friends” with are paying tribute to him. Uri Gellar and Al Sharpton have both given statements supporting his life, with the obvious intention of getting some of the lime light from his untimely death. This cashing-in culture and generally sick commercialism reflects his whole life.

He leaves behind three children and a legacy more far reaching than that of any other celebrity of our age. Hopefully the world can learn a message from this; if someone is pushed too far and commercialised for what is realistically their whole life, it just isn’t sustainable. Rest in peace MJ.